After Time Expires Welcome To The Jungle: An Hour On Craigslist Vol. 12

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Welcome To The Jungle: An Hour On Craigslist Vol. 12
Glass
https://aftertimeexpires.com/2018/11/29/welcome-to-the-jungle-an-hour-on-craigslist-vol-12/
Welcome to the jungle! I spent an hour on Craigslist “Free” section and found some wild ones. Luckily for you, you’re a mere phone call or email away from:



Give it up for this gremlin giving away her oil lamp. It’s 2018 and she just got electricity for the 1st time! She’s finally seen the light! Thomas Edison discovering the light bulb doesn’t mean every peon out here living life knows about it. Bargaining tip: play hardball here – say you’ll take the oil lamps, but only if she throws in her rotary phone.





This couch has champagne room written all over it. Turn those cushions over and you’ll find more than one used condom stuck to the faux leather. Someone please forward this to the owners of Mynx Cabaret/Electric Blue/Lucky’s/Rockstar/Mardi Gras 2. If you’ve been thinking of turning your basement into a sex dungeon for the big Christmas party, pounce on this before one of the local gentlemen clubs do. Would go perfect with a non-regulation sized billiards table with stained purple felt and a lifesize cardboard cutout of #41 Kurt Busch.





I’m not going to lie, homeboy has a damn good looking Christmas tree in his front yard. Thick in all the right places and the branches are as perky as the tits on a college freshman. The problem is you need to know your target audience. There are homeowners in need of a 17 foot Christmas tree and none of them are searching Craigslist for it. The vast majority of marshmallows browsing Craigslist can only fit a Charlie Brown Christmas Tree in their mobile homes.





Poor guy’s wife forced him to go to AA. He had a good run, which is evident by the number of mugs/steins/shot glasses he’s amassed over the years. I think Step 9 of AA is to give a Homer beer mug to those you’ve harmed as a peace offering.





A week late and a dollar short. I do love me some Stove Top stuffing, but I’ll say this about it – if you’re serving Stove Top on Thanksgiving, you’ve taken a few wrong turns in life and you’re so far gone that saving you from the abyss is impossible. You’re a lost cause at this point and quite frankly, you’re a detriment to society. Get some WD-40 and grease up the guillotine because the civilized members of the village are gathering at town hall to watch your beheading.





Hand up, I’m a big cigar guy. What can I say? For me, it’s always been a Black & Mild or GTFO. I don’t need a magazine to tell me the best cigars are the pack of 6 for $5.99 at my local Citgo gas station. Just thinking of how dreadful this guy’s living room smells is making me cough. You don’t collect Cigar Aficionado magazines and smoke on the back porch.





Perfect gift for your 1988 science teacher.





There are plenty of sheets to be found on Craigslist, but none of them are clean. When you get bed bugs, don’t say I didn’t warn you. It’s not out of the realm of possibility that these sheets will be the cause of the next plague. I’ve learned from the Native Americans’ mistakes and will not be accepting free blankets from strangers.





I don’t know why this made me laugh so much. There’s something funny about rocks being spelled “ROX”. Like giving away rox in and of itself is absurd and a spray painted sign like that is the cherry on top. Don’t overlook the jungle gym/bio-dome type contraption in the front yard. That’s a wild move! Having a jungle gym in your front yard is the only evidence police need to obtain a search warrant.

That was wild. I’m happy I survived the jungle and can honestly say I’m a better man for it. Till next time, keep posting on Craigslist and maybe we’ll meet up.
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