Baseball Is Back And I Can Assure You Colin Moran Has Weathered The Pandemic Winds

Moran Homeless.png

Wow, a lot sure has happened since I last scribed anything on this site. This whole pandemic thing really got the world out of sorts, didn’t it? Sports kinda stopped. People weren’t really working. Everybody wearing masks and looking like Mortal Kombat’s Scorpion went one too many times for a GetGo burrito (I’ve been playing a great deal of Mortal Kombat during these uncertain times because if anything will pull you back to reality, it’s an old withered sorcerer taking your soul on a deserted island in the midst of a fighting tournament). Just a really a sobering time for everybody, but hey, we’re living it, I guess.

And it evidently took it’s toll on all of us. We’ve learned a lot about which people definitely weren’t told “no” enough as a kid, we turned a name that went from being one of my favorite characters on The Office to a psychopathic white lady who you can find bellowing war cries outside of a Baskin Robbins and we finally get to see what our neighbor looks like after months of not receiving a proper haircut (and yes, they’re horrific).

But, as of now, after months of zero sports besides my daily job of covering the one true sport in professional wrestling, we’ve had baseball come back to (hopefully) distract us from not really being able to go anywhere. And while the majority of players in the league have came back to play (and hey, can’t thank you enough) there is only one man I can make note of that remain undeterred by our current fucked up situation: Pittsburgh Pirates’ third baseman Colin Moran.

Why can I make such an assessment at such an early and (arguably still) vulnerable time in the season? Well hypothetical question-asker, it’s because I’m assuming Colin Moran is homeless and resides in the empty space that we still call PNC Park. Sure, his teammates will be back to accompany him back to Pittsburgh in the next two months, but you just imagine that Moran has been living high and pretty in PNC, almost like a Kevin McAllister ruling the roost of his desolate home, absent of his shitty uncle, bed-wetting cousin and that doofus Buzz (his girlfriend, woof).

What I’m getting at is that Colin Moran is used to a totally empty baseball stadium. Now granted, a strong argument can be made for his fellow black and gold colleagues were quite accustomed to having a nearly empty ballpark in 2019, but Moran has won the Super Bowl of isolation while his teammates only made it to divisional rounds.

I really think Moran will be the fulcrum to the Pirates’ pivot this year because of his disdain for walls and a proper roof over his head. Would the abrasive and hot-headed Happy Gilmore flourished nearly as much without the companionship of his homeless, Ritz Cracker eating caddy? I think not and that’s who Colin Moran is.

His stat-line yesterday? 2-4, accounting for two runs. So honestly, I think we may have something here. The key part to all of this is not to change Moran’s routine. He was courteous enough to trim down his beard a little bit, but if your new skipper Derek Shelton, don’t start taking liberties. It’s imperative to not deny him trash can access or the daily “Pepsi time” he shares with the pigeons he’s befriended during these early summer months amidst the glorious inclines of the Allegheny Health Network Rotunda (befriending pigeons – that’s another Home Alone reference if you’re keeping track).

I’m gonna be forthright and add that I bagged Owner Nutting’s groceries in the early pre-mask stages of the COVID-19 outbreak and while I exchanged words of pleasantry over his choice of produce (while internally judging his overall poor decision-making skills), I could see in his eyes that he truly believed his stadium was empty during this entire time and felt no qualms about it. I implore you all not to cue him in on any of this previous insight as our hopes of an upcoming 59-game win streak delicately hangs in the balance and you sure as shit know that dude isn’t reading up on any of this otherwise (whether it be in a paper he owns or not). I’m just doing my due diligence as a psuedo-journalist in informing you fans of Moran’s ability to weather these tumultuous winds

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