A few things I’m learning to avoid for my open mic debut.

I’m 5 days away from my open mic and I’ve been in the film room for hours on end watching everyone from the greats like George Carlin and Richard Pryor to the bad like Amy Schumer and Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino. I found it helps to watch the greats to handle the mic and try your best to emulate them without outright copying them, and watching the bad so you can see everything you want to avoid doing in your set. But I know that in the 21st century film is old school and to adapt to modern times I googled “comedian meltdowns” and found a great list of things to try and avoid doing in my open mic debut.

This one seems pretty easy I’ve always been great at introductions (ask anyone of my Hinge matches). But just to be safe I’ve yelled “GOOD EVENING DAYTON OHIO! ARE YOU READY TO LAUGH TONIGHT!?” every time I use the urinals at work. It gets really awkward when we’re knee to knee pissing during the lunchtime rush.

Don’t worry future offspring it’s 2019 I’ll love you no matter what (he said while looking down at his crotch).

I’m not above this and may venmo some “laugh money” to my friends attending.

If any Daytonians bring their kid to this show I apologize in advance because while I can’t promise my material will be funny it’ll be 1000% NSFW.

Shoutout to notes for saving my material so I can rehearse it in my head until the show. But even if I do forget my material at least I know that a show on NBC about nothing is still in the cards for me.

I’ll wear “juggalo face” but I think we can all agree that we don’t give a flying fuck if we offend those Faygo drinking, drug fiends. Also full disclosure I have like 5 ICP songs on my iTunes so it’s totally cool that I make juggalist jokes.

My 2nd set was just going to be about how awful The Avengers and MCU are so looks like some revisions are in order.

I’m doing this open mic pro bono (but if I get a free burger out of it you better believe I’m not wasting it by throwing it at some drunk asshole).

Okay on second thought maybe I will throw that burger at the audience.

I find a lot of things funny but one thing I don’t find funny is UTI’s or uncomfortable bowel movements. Use the restroom folks.

Half a bottle of Crown should be enough for me to avoid this kind of disaster.

Honestly as long as I don’t get booed I’m walking away feeling like I took a W home with me.

I haven’t thrown a tantrum since I didn’t get Mortal Kombat 4 for Christmas back in 97 so I think I’m good on that front.

Oh yeah and I don’t plan on going on a huge racist rant that would make David Duke or Kramer cum in their pantsuits.

So I think I’ve got this open mic thing down.

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